Ch. 1 UnderneathDaPaint

Established in Harrisburg Pennsylvania June 1, 1987 sometime between 2:15 & 4:35 a.m. at least that’s what I was told, I would have ask my mother if I had known who or even where she was. I was born Louise Marie Goldman. You might have heard of me if you’re into the hip hop world. 5’7 brown sugar complexion, thick in all the right places 140 pounds of what was often mentioned as natural beauty, slanted hazel eyes and what most described to be a Colgate smile with the perfect dimples also known as the video vixen “Lo Monroe” I went from nothing to everything, which seemed to have took a lifetime of struggle which eventually landed me the life I dreamed of and bit of trouble. I could buy my way out of anything almost anything… This is my story of the adventures I’ve endured before I actually reached success in my career, too bad I didn’t have a choice as far as my life was concerned.
By the age of four I was adopted by this lovely Christian family “Crystal & Dennis Goldman” hence my last name, as far as I can remember my childhood was pretty good. I lived in a middle class community, went to church faithfully three times a week. My mother was an evangelist, father a deacon, twin brothers Christen & Chris and my two sisters April and Janise were on the choir. You know the typical black Christian family. Until one day seems like everything took a left turn… I remember like it was yesterday, May 26, 2000 I was turning 13 in about two weeks and it was our annual family reunion. I was helping momma clean up and set the rooms for the family members who were going to be staying with us for the weekend. “Go check on ya cousins and tell them the food is ready if they’re hungry!” mom yelled from the kitchen, “Yes ma’am” I replied while I headed upstairs toward the room my family called
“The Game room.” The game room was a boy’s only zone, especially when my male cousins and uncles were in town. When it’s just us Goldman’s that room was my dad and my twin brother’s sanitary away from everyone. Since family was in town for the weekend, seemed like that’s where all the guys stayed hours at a time. Before I actually reached the room I could hear yelling and chanting. “Oooh shit brah did you see that shit?! Yo Yes, and that’s how you dunk on them bitches my nigg!!” My cousin J’Shawn yelled as I was entering the room. “Watch your mouth Shawn. You’re not at your home boy’s house and you know ya Aunt Crystal would beat ya behind, and not care that your 18, if she heard you.” “My bad unk, I just got hype for a second. “ J’Shawn said. I knocked on the wall. “Excuse me; mom said when yall ready to eat the food is ready.” Everyone started getting up to head down stairs “Thanks hun.” Dad said. “Ay Louise, come here real quick.” J’Shawn shouted as if I was missing something. I waited until the room was cleared to finally go inside the Boys Only Room. “Ever play NBA Y2K before? This shit tight…” J’Shawn asked in a lowered voice. “Nope because I really don’t play games, momma said those are intended for boys.” I replied “Well ímma teach you, it’s fun and easy to learn.” He said. I sat next to him on the couch and grabbed the second controller. “So what is this basketball?” Yep. He said. J’Shawn got up and shut the door, and then he hit the light switch. “Why you cut the lights off? How am I supposed to play in the dark?” I asked. “Easy… This way you can see the graphics better, why else would I cut them off?” He said jokingly. I remember feeling a little weird because for the simple fact that J’Shawn and I never hung out cause of our age difference. Out of nowhere J’Shawn leaned over a kissed me on my neck; I jump and ask “what are you doing Shawn!?” Relax; stop acting like a little girl.” He said. “What?? You know what, I think I should go.” I said as I stood up and began heading for the door. Shawn grabbed my arm and threw me onto the love seat, and began to put his pressure on my arms and legs. The more I struggled to get up, the heavier he seemed. “Why are you acting like that, you want to be a big girl right?” He grunted as he began to unbuckle his jean shorts. “What’s wrong with you, why are you doing this? We are family Shawn, please please stop!” I tried to yell but the music playing in the backyard was too loud as he kept trying to force his tongue in my mouth. “You know we aint related, don’t trip.” he replied in a whisper. J‘shawn yanked my tights and underwear down so fast all at once. “Ouch!” I yell as tears began to fall from my eyes. I felt a sharp pain in my vagina as if something was being pierced down there. “Mmm… Damn this pussy is da fuckin truth, damn.” He moaned as he shoved his dick in me at a steady pace. I just layed as still as possible with my eyes closed tight, wishing I could die. Seemed as if it lasted forever, all I could do is cry and wonder what could I have done to deserve this? He sped up and just like that he jumped off me as if he heard someone coming. I remember my vagina feeling super wet like I just got out of the pool. Did he pee in me?!? I didn’t know what to think and I was too scared to ask. I just laid there motionless, as he pulled his shorts up, fastened his belt. “I’m telling!” I finally spoke as my body shivered in disgust. “Ha… No you not” He chuckled while he continued to adjust his composure. “Yes I am, I… I… I shuddered but before I could finish he cut me off. “You aint gonna do nothing, cause if you do we both gonna get in trouble. You and me both know ya ass wasn’t supposed to be in here anyway. That is what aunt Crystal said right? ” He said sternly. “But …” I tried to finish my sentence. “But what? Look save it! Whateva you think you gonna do, it’s not gonna work. Plus you have no proof and I’ll deny and tell whoever that you made it all up.” he said as he walked out the door. After I pulled up my tights and underwear, I remember just laying on the love seat and trying to figure out what just happened, and why. Trying to figure out what I was going to do about it. For the rest of the day and weekend I stayed to myself, distant from everyone and even my immediate family. “Happy Birthday!!” Mom and dad yelled. I glanced at my alarm clock; it read 9:15 a.m. Finally my birthday was here; almost a week had passed since that incident with J’Shawn. I was so excited and I remember getting dressed so that I could go with daddy to pick out my birthday outfit for my special day. “Daddy can we take the convertible, please please please? “ I begged. “What you don’t like my truck, I thought u like sitting high up? He asked. “No it’s not that but, I want to feel the wind in my hair, plus it’s a beautiful day to let the top down.” I responded. “Okay fine, plus it is your birthday. “ Dad said as if I had him convinced. After shopping, which I knew was only meant to borrow time so mom and my siblings could set up my pre-arranged birthday party. Dad didn’t speak much on it but I knew my family and how they operate. After we went shopping dad and I went to get brunch. “So how does it feel to be the big One Three baby girl, you know technically you considered a teenager now right?” Dad said jokingly. “Yea I know.” I answered with a smile. “You’re still not allowed to have a boyfriend until your eighty.” dad said. “Daddy, please” I giggled “I’m not interested in boys yet” I said as I begin to have a flash back of what happened to me a week earlier. I guess I let the thought put an expression on my face. “What ya thinking about Lou” Dad asked in a concerned voice. “Nothing pops, why ya ask that? I’m good dad, I’m just thinking about the surprise party. You know the one you and mom are secretly throwing me…” I replied with a grin. “Now what makes you think that?” Dad said. “Dad lets be serious, you and I both know…” I said jokingly. “Are you ready to go?” Dad asked, ending the conversation. We headed back to the house, on the ride home we didn’t talk much just sang along with the radio for the most part. Out of nowhere dad hit the brakes and screamed. “JESUS!” I remember a huge van hitting the back of the car, forcing us into oncoming traffic. The rest is a blur to me, as if everything was erased. I remember waking up and being in server pain, stiffness in my whole body. I couldn’t move my neck at all, and I remember looking around and seeing my family in front of my bed crying. “Mommy, Mom, Mommy!” I tried to yell but I couldn’t even raise my voice higher than a whisper. Its Louise, she’s opening her eyes!” I heard one of the twins say. Mom ran over to my bed side, touched my face and ran her fingers threw my hair. “Baby, Oh my god, we thought we lost you, are you ok baby” She asked, while tears of joy streamed down her cheeks. All I could do was whisper “yes.” “Thank you Jesus!” She shouted repeatedly. Everything went black….

When I opened my eyes again, mom was sitting in my room with her head leaned on the wall sleeping. She had different clothes on from the last time I remember glancing at her. I used what seems to be every ounce of strength I had in my body to try and sit up straight, “mom…” I still couldn’t raise my voice higher than a whisper. She opened her eyes slowly, trying to focus as if she was trying to see if she was really awake almost like she couldn’t believe the fact that I was up and let alone trying to talk. Mom rushed over to me and grabbed my hand. “Yes baby? I’m here are you ok, my angel?” yes ma’am, what happened? All I remember is me and daddy was on our, whe, whe… where is daddy?!? Is he alright?” I started to panic before my brain could even complete my first sentence. I began crying and sweat started to appear on my face as if I were working out, instantly I conjured up a head ache just thinking about what my mom was going to say next. Just her facial expression alone told me a story I knew I wasn’t prepared to hear. Mom lowered her head, as if she couldn’t even look me in my face and said. “Baby… umm, your dad is… is… He didn’t survive the car accident.” a nonstop stream of tears began to fall down her face, and her nose began to run. I couldn’t say anything all I could do was lay back and stare at the ceiling. Mom tried to tell me what happened but at the time I couldn’t think let alone comprehend what she was telling me, all I did was imagine my dad’s face. I didn’t care about nothing, not what happened with J’shawn or even if I made it out of that bed.

Underneath Dha Paint {Wrecked} Ch. 2

Sometimes all I can do is look to the heavens and cry. Today makes two years since the day of my mother’s death. My mother and I were headed to the usual destination that we reserved twice a year for our camping trip. Everything was going according to plan, listening to music, laughing and talking about when I was a child and how I use to love sleeping on top of the sleeping bag instead of sleeping inside like normal little girls. Next thing I knew mom’s phone rung and usually she didn’t answer it but for some particular reason she did. Tires screeched and C R A S H…. Our van rammed the back of some guy’s little convertible into an intersection and all I remember is the car flipping over an oncoming vehicle. Our van got hit by oncoming traffic on each side, mom died instantly because apparently her lung was pierced during the collision. I can’t quite grasp God’s plan as to why this had to happen to me but I sure hope he has a dang good reason and explanation. Seems like just last night I was packing my clothes and rolling up my sleeping bag for me and mom’s camping trip. She used to love to camp, that was our thing we had an annual camping trip twice a year, just her and I. Since I was her only child it was always just the two of us, we were closer than two fat chicks sharing one slice of pizza. See my father was killed when I was five years old. From what momma told me, he abandons us and called himself trying to raise a second family. Little did he know the woman he left my mother for already had a man, so he was just on “paid for time“, he was something like a “pawn” until the other man got out of jail. Mother never actually went into full details about the situation. All I know is my dad and the man from jail had an a few “altercations” and supposedly even the cops where involved a couple of times. Next thing mom knew she had received a phone call and was asked to go to the morgue to identify a male’s body. For all I know my daddy could have been a “pimp” and one of his crazed hoe killed him, or maybe he was a crack head I really don’t know or care. All I ever knew was my mother; I didn’t know any of my extended or even immediate family because my mom just met my dad when she came over to the states from Jamaica. She told me they met at a soup kitchen, that she use to work at. We were never rich but we were always comfortable. My mom “worked her fingers to the bone” to provide for her and myself. Now that she is gone I feel as if I was born into this hell hole and left alone to rot… My life has been a complete nightmare, forced to live in this god awful group home, I wake up just wanting to die. The food is terrible and the place is a mess, dust and dirt everywhere. I stay to myself because that’s the only way I can think to keep my sanity, sometimes I wish I would have died in that car accident instead of my mother.
“Loretta, come here girl, and shut my door behind you please.” Mr. Mike said with the look of innocence on his face. “Yes sir” I replied with a suicidal and maybe even homicidal thought flashing across my mind…. Mr. Mike was a short stubby overweight balding Caucasian who ran the group home. He was married with three children and he often pretended to be this “God sent caring family man” who had a passion for helping the less fortunate, a “wolf in sheep’s clothing“.
“So how was school today, my chocolate princess? Are you still getting into trouble?”’ I shook my head and replied “No sir.” ” Well I was told different, your English teacher called today. She informed me of a little behavior problem that had to do with a certain little someone.” I just stood and listened, cause I knew exactly what he was talking about. “In my defense sir, the girl interrupted me while I was trying to answer a question.” I said trying to get him to see my point of view, I began to feel my throat tighten and sweats develop under my arm pits. “So you attack her?!? What, where you raised by animals where you’re from“? I don’t know thats how they do it in the islands but in America we act like Americans! Mr. Mike’s tone went from polite, to cold, and harsh within a matter of seconds, suddenly he got up from behind his desk and came toward me “She… She….” But before I could finish, “what do you think the punishment should be for an ungrateful cunt that can’t follow simple rules which are to shut up and learn? You want me to lose my job and have the board of directors think I can’t control a group of stupid teenage kids?!? ” No sir” I said quickly out of fear. Shaking and trembling by this point. “Lift your fucking skirt up and unbutton your blouse! See you must like being punished because you just seem to do shit you know will make me have no choice but to punish you.” Before I could finish unbuttoning my blouse I felt a sharp burning pain across my face, almost like a shock. Mister mike had slapped the shit out of me! But before I could get myself off of the floor he reached down and grabbed me by my neck. I stumbled to my feet trying to gain my visual focus, mean while trying breath as he choked me. “Maybe this will teach you not to “act” your race!” He said as he threw me into his desk. “Please Mr. Mike, I’m sorry… I am so sorry, I won’t do it again!” Tried reasoning with him but it was no use. With my back on his desk and his hand still wrapped around my neck, seem as if I started to fade away. He unbuckled his belt and pulled his penis through the hole in his briefs and found his way inside me, still holding me by my neck as if it was a handle. I tried to loosen his grip by putting a space between his hand and my neck with my fingers. I couldn’t speak because of the fear of losing what breath I had left in my body. About ten strokes later he released an “ahhhhhh…” “That’s some good pussy you stupid cunt, makes me almost wonder if your mother’s cold pussy is just as good” He grunted before he finally pulled out of me and backed away…. “Fix yourself up and get out!”
I remember skipping dinner, taking a long hot steamy shower trying to scrub the filth and sweat of what just happened away. Why me, why? I didn’t do anything to deserve this, I only attacked the girl because she continued to taunt me by talking about my mother, it was either beat her ass or cut myself. Well I got tired of being tired and all of the cutting. Plus people at school began to get in my business and ask too many questions. I went to school the next day as if nothing ever happened, I didn’t have any friends because I was labeled “the loner foreign student“. Thing is I spoke proper English as well as anyone at the school but I guess cause I still had an accent it was obvious I wasn’t from the states. I’m kinda glad my mother and I use to speak in our native language. It was third period and everything was going the same as usual, class out of control while I tuned everyone out and listened to my music. “Class… class… Class!! !” The teacher yelled trying to get the class’s attention. Finally everyone got quiet. “Thank you, well class we have a new student who will be joining us.”
Knock knock….
Right after the two knocks in walks this boy. He was about 5’8, deep chocolate skin, dreads and was definitely dressed fly. “Introduce yourself”. The teacher said. “I’m Rasta, wuddup.” He said real cool like. Everyone paused and went right back to acting like animals, him and the teacher exchanged a few words but of course I couldn’t hear due to the commotion. Rasta came over and set at the desk next to mine. I tried to look or at least not get caught starring because he definitely was eye candy. I continued listening to my music, as if he wasn’t sitting there. He tapped me on my shoulder. “so you just gone sit there and ignore me huh?” I grinned and tried my hardest not to blush. “What you mean, I’m just doin what I was doin before you got here….Rasta is it? I said wittily” yea, well you know my name but I don’t know yours” he said. “Well I’m Loretta nice to meet you, Rasta.” I replied in a well-mannered voice. “I was thinking maybe you can show me around the school and uh… Maybe later we…” He was interrupted by the lunch bell. “phew saved by the bell,” I thought to myself. Finally I gave him the a nod and said “sure.“ I have never been so nervous in my life at least in this type of way, a good way. I rushed to my locker before it was too late and I made a fool of myself by saying or doing something goofy. The rest of the day seemed to fly by so fast, finally last period came and guess who was in my class… In a way I was excited because this was the first time in a long time I want miserable. “So we meet again I see.” Rasta chuckled. “Nah I think your just following me, but anyway how was your first day? “ I grinned and wondered could he hear my heart beat as it began to speed up cause of me being so nervous, because I know I could. Rasta was the first and the only person I actually liked and didn’t mind talking to. Since my mom died I’ve been a wondering soul and remained isolated socially from everyone. “Loretta, maybe you can show me around the neighborhood.” I mean since you disappeared earlier and I was forced to tour the school wid some nerdy ill built butterhead chick who talked way too much.” “I’m sure you can find time to show me the city, I mean it’s only but so big.” shrugging my shoulders “I don’t know if I’m the right one for that, I mean I be busy most of the time. Oh aight it’s koo, I understand.” He said as he gathered his things waiting for the dismissal bell. I was glad he didn’t ask questions, how would I explain to him I live in a trifling group home with a perverted abusive old white man.
On my way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about Rasta, he was so fine and not to mention he wasn’t from around here so that meant I had a chance, wait who was I kidding I was a plain Jane who was nowhere near popular… As I turned the corner there he was again, it almost seemed as if whenever I thought about Rasta he appeared. I slowed down and paced myself trying to get my butterflies to go away. I tried to walk past him without him noticing me, but that wasn’t going to happen considering the fact that he stopped walking as if he was waiting on me to catch up. As I got closer it became clear that he was waiting for me to catch up to him. “Well well well now whose following who.” Rasta said jokingly. “Not me for sure.” I chuckled. We began walking and talking as if we been friends for a minute, He asked me a few “tell me about yourself” questions and I keep em short and to the point. Everything was cool until he started inquiring about my parents and where I lived, of course I lied. “Look this is where I turn off at, maybe we can link up and chill later or tomorrow. Unless… Unless you would like for me to walk you home.” He said with a kool-aid smile. “No thank you, I don’t know you like that boy you might try to stalk me or something.” He looked as if he smelled something then replied. “Nah shawty it aint nothing like that, be real with yaself cause I’m definitely not a stalker. Don’t get me wrong you cute but nahh.” I laughed it off quick “yea yea tell me anything Rasta. “ His last statement took me by surprise he thought I was cute. “Aight so I guess I’ll see you around Rasta.” He nodded and started walking up the steps to his house, as I walked off I wanted to look back and see if he was watching me walk down the street. I didn’t though; I just keep walking and thinking about him the whole way home.
“So you’re a little late, don’t you think.” Mr. Mike questioned me as I walked in the door. I had so much fun conversing with Rasta; I didn’t realize time had escaped me.
“Yes sir, I had to talk to my teacher about a project she has us working on.” I lied scared of what might had happen next. “Come in my office for a second.” He motioned for me to come in. “shut the door while you’re at it.” He requested. “You look good, your actually glowing. Is there something that you want to tell me, all of this time of you living here I have never seen you smile or heard you sing before.” By this point in the conversation I went from being happy to feeling sick in my stomach. “I just had a good day Mr. Mike and I also passed one of my tests today.” I tried to sound sincere. “Well that is good to hear; you’re finally behaving and using your brain. You know I didn’t know you had such a pretty voice, and have I ever told you that you have the prettiest full set of lips I’ve ever seen on a 15 year old girl.” I began to shift my body the more he talked because the more uncomfortable I became, Mr. mike never has casual conversation with no one in the home unless the board of directors where visiting. “Have a seat, you don’t have to stand Loretta.” I didn’t move. “Sir I have to get to my homework, Ms. Cruz has us writing a five page history report.” I lied again; I’d say anything to get me away from him. “Sit!” He yelled as if I had irritated him. I walked slowly to the chair in front of his desk trying not to show how mad and disgusted I was. If he only knew what was going through my head at that very moment, he would have hit me for sure. “Wait, don’t sit on my chair put your book bag on the floor and sit on that. “ He demanded. I did just what he asked He got up from behind his desk and walked over to me. I tried to stand but he pushed me back on to the floor. Mr. Mike stood in front of me and told me to sit back on top of my book bag, once again I listened. My stomach felt like I had shark swimming around, I began to sweat and horrible flash backs came to my mind as this wasn’t the first Mr. Mike had me in his office making me do things I didn’t want to do. He grabbed my pony tail. “Look up at me, what you got your head down for?” I stared at him with the straightest face I had as if to show him I’m wasn’t surprised or afraid. He unzipped his pants and began to fish around for his dick; finally he pulled it through his pants hole. “Open your mouth.” He ordered, as he brought his dick closer to my face. I thought about biting him, even stabbing it with a pencil but then where would I go and where would I have lived… I opened my mouth and he put his dick in and he began pulling my head towards him. I never sucked a dick before, that is until I was sent to live in this hell hole with thee white devil his self. I never participated just wrapped my lips around it and let him do all the work as I closed my eyes and thought about any and everything else. This was normal except this time he didn’t beat me, which usually came before the sexual favors. “mmm.” he moaned as he began to shove his dick further and further down my throat. I tried not to vomit but just the thought of this act made me sick, last time I did actually throw up and he stomped the hell out of me for it. Finally what seemed to be years later he came, shot his hot slimy nut all on my school shirt. As usual he told me to get out and I did right after I fixed myself so it looked as if nothing happened. I headed upstairs without dinner and showered but this time I didn’t cry, but thought about how I would pay him back and where I was going to go when I did.
Later that night the house was peaceful and the night staff had come, so the fear of Mr. Mike making one of his weekly bedroom visits had passed my mind. As I started to doze off, I started thinking of Rasta. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he actually thought I was cute, and for once I had something well… Actually someone to look forward to, the thought of Rasta alone made me forget about my miserable life and dream about a better one with him in it.

Underneath Dha Paint {Rehabilitated} Ch. 3

It had been two years since the accident that had hospitalized me and took my father’s life. I was still recovering and had just finished my last day and session of physical therapy; the accident had banged me up real bad to the point where I was in and out of a coma for seven and a half months. I missed two whole school years, birthdays and more importantly my father’s funeral. Yet I still couldn’t really remember all of what had happened or my entire stay in the hospital. A resident in my therapy class once asked me how long I had been there, I said “I didn’t know seems like just a few months or so.” because I only remembered bits and pieces of my stay. I remembered one thing though that wasn’t erased from my memory, which was that I had lost the man I knew to be my father. It still seemed as if maybe I was dreaming and my father was all right. Maybe he was coming to pick me up, and we could talk about how much we missed each other and our experience in the hospital, maybe they revived him… When I finally moved out of the physical training facility and I knew I was going home, something in my head told me that things have had to change in a major way since I been gone… Mom, Christen and Chris all were outside the building waiting for me to come outside, they had a few balloons and sign that said “Welcome Home We Missed You” Tears of joy and sorrow combined began to leave my eyes. I was pleased and full of joy to see my family but sad to see and realize that my father wasn’t with them and would never be again… On the car ride home it was pretty much quiet the whole entire time, as if we were taking a moment of silence. Crazy part is that I remembered the restaurant daddy and I went to on his last day, as we drove pass a few tears poured down my eyes, rushed down cheeks and heavy feeling of sorrow seemed to cast a net over me. I tried to convince myself that maybe this was just a long drawn out nightmare… Eventually I feel asleep and what seemed to be hours later I woke up to see my old house, it looked the same as it did the last time I remember seeing it. One of my twin brothers Christen helped me out of the car, up the steps and onto the porch. Seemed like they both sprouted since the last time I seen them, I mean it had been two whole years I couldn’t expect them to hold off on growing up just because I wasn’t home. I ringed the doorbell as christen headed back down the steps to the car to help momma. “Chis, do you have the key? My legs are a little sore and I just really need to sit down.” Out of nowhere I felt this cramping pain that’s raced down my thigh all the way to my foot. ”give me just a second.” He answered. I ringed the doorbell once again in hopes someone would answer, finally I heard what seemed to be someone coming to the door, as the door opened all I could do was stare… J’shawn opened the door to my fucking surprise, I couldn’t move or even breathe for a minute which seemed like forever. I was stuck, confused and pissed as hell. “Hey, cousin welcome home baby girl!!…” Glad to see your alive and kicking, a few times we had thought we’d lose you. “ With open arms he welcomed me in as if nothing had ever happened between us or maybe he figured I must have had to forgot, but man oh man was he wrong. “Hi. J”shawn.” I said with a fake grin. Christen and J’shawn helped me in, sat me down and then went back outside to grab my belongings. Finally Momma walked with Chris while Christen and J’shawn remained outside. Quickly I started a conversation with mama hoping to get some information out of her before J‘Shawn came back into the house. “Hey ma, I didn’t know J’shawn was gonna be here umm where Aunt Shelly , is she here too?” I was curious as to why in the world was he here especially since him and my aunt lived 100 miles away, plus it’s not like he was my immediate family. Mom sat next to me and held my hands as if there was something she had forgotten to tell me. “Well no… Your aunt Shelly isn’t here, but she will be back later.” She tightened her grip on my hands as she lowered her head and continued on about how apparently when daddy died his life insurance only covered the funeral, a few bills and how that wasn’t enough, plus my sisters had moved away to attend college. Mom was a substitute teacher who worked only about half of the school year if that, and dad was basically the bread winner. She went on further to say that when he passed she got in a bind and had to have her sister my aunt Shelly along with her son move in. My first reaction was to hug her tight and to say everything would be alright, tears fell from both of our eyes. I just wished this was a bad dream, I wished I could help somehow and I also wished that J’shawn was dead instead of my father. The first couple of weeks were as comfortable and normal as humanly possible with exception that my father was still gone and never coming back. I can honestly say that anyone who knew us as a family could tell that there was a big hole in our family’s heart, my mother was like a zombie most of the time and to make matters worse we stopped going to church. I finally realized I needed to catch up on what I missed in school so I began doing research, studying and even taking ”catch up” courses online. I just wanted things the way they were. I felt a void without my dad, school or even friends. Time flew and next thing I knew I was back in school and everything seemed to be back in order. Since J’Shawn had been living with us he hasn’t tried anything since our first encounter, I was happy but never let my guard down because he was so unpredictable. I started school for the following school year and it took some time getting use to the swing of things, because I didn’t have any friends and everything seemed so fast paced. My high school was huge and like an urban jungle filled with bullies, sex, and drugs. On numerous occasions guys approached me about sex and even started spreading rumors about me because I was technically still a version cause only God, me and J’Shawn knew what he did to me. I didn’t talk to anyone I pretty much stayed to myself, did what I had to do in class and when the final bell rung I got the hell out of there. A few times I skipped lunch because it was almost a riot every day because either kids were fighting and or starting food fights. However finally I did manage to make friends with this once chick, she never really came to school and I didn’t blame her but when she did she didn’t talk to people except me. We were both quiet, had a lot in common, and were both considered to be intelligent. She was pretty, from the islands and from the handful of conversations we had she also lost a parent in a car crash only difference was she never knew her father. She told me how she came over from Jamaica with her mother who was a hard working citizen who did whatever she had to in order to take care and provide for her. She also told me about this boy she was crushing on, Rasta I think his name was, I never seen him around though. If I’m not mistaken he was a drug dealer who transferred to our school but after a few months he dropped out. I have seen him pick her up before but we never conversed. Only thing that bugged me about this chick is that, I’ve invited her over my house a few times but she never once told me where she lived or invited me over. I didn’t even know who she lived with and about mid-way through the school year she just stopped coming all together. She had invited me to skip with her and this Rasta kid before she stopped coming to school but my nerves was bad and the thought of getting caught was unbearable. Not to mention my brothers where in the same school just in a different building and both of my sisters worked for the school district, so playing hooky was never a thought or option. I did miss her company because now that she was gone I had no one to talk to and I went back to my old routine of being a loner. I always wanted to ask her how she dealt with losing her mother, just never knew how to bring up the conversation. Funny thing is that the day she claimed her mother died was the same day I lost my father and I was hospitalized. Meanwhile I lost the closest person I had as a friend and seemed as if I was alone again in this terrible world, besides god and my family I had nothing left.
We were coming up on our last few weeks of school and besides being the anti-social fatherless whore of the school everything was going quite smoothly. Loretta actually stop coming months ago, as to why I’m not exactly sure all I know is the last time we talked, she was going on and on about some guy named Rasta who obviously was bad news. I was just so excited that school was almost over but I was debating if I wanted to continue on my last two years or try home school.
It was the night before the last day of school; I was getting my clothes ready for the following morning even though I didn’t understand the point of going to school on the very last day. My mother and aunt was working the third shift that night, my brothers were staying at their friend’s house so I was home alone. At least that’s what I thought until I heard the front door open. I knew it had to be J’Shawn, he was loud and sound as if he had been drinking. I shut my room door and continued to figure out what I wanted to wear my last day of school. Ten minutes had passed and the house became quiet again… Knock. Knock … I froze; I didn’t even hear him come up the stairs. I answered slowly “yes?” The door creaked open slowly and I began to become hot, as if I was heating with anger. J’Shawn then decided to peaked his head in the opening “ what’s up, umm. Shit umm Louise. Almost forgot ya name.” He slurred and gave a fake chuckle. “What do you want J’Shawn I’m trying to prepare for school tomorrow and get some sleep” He made his way all the way in my room, shut the door and began leaning on the door. “Maybe I can help ya with the sleep part; I mean I’m tired too shiiit.” He started walking over to me, I stood up and said “I don’t think so; you have a perfectly good bed of your own.” All of a sudden I started to have flash backs of the first incident. I pushed him towards the door with all my might, that didn’t do much for the simple fact that J’Shawn was 6”3 and weighed about 230 lbs. “Get. Get, you better get the fuck off me, if I wanna lay in ya bed Imma lay in ya fuckin bed and your monkey ass aint gonna do shit about it!” He said clearly as if he had sobered up. I instantly took my hands off him and just stood there. I was shocked, scared and sweating like I just bench pressed 2000 lbs. Then be grabbed my neck and forced me to walk with him over to my bed. “Please J’Shawn, please don’t!” I begged him, but it was if I was talking to a brick wall. He got behind me and pushed me onto my bed, ripped my shirt and began kissing me sloppily all over my face like a home sick dog. He made his way down to my breast, I closed my eyes as tight as I could and just thought about everything else besides what was going on right then. As he was leaned over me he began to unbuckle his belt; this was it this was my opportunity. Once he got his jeans down to his ankles with all my force I kicked him in between his ball and his dick, pushed his drunk ass off of me on to the floor. I quickly sat up and tried to gather myself but I was too shook up. I stood up, quickly stepped across his body and ran down stairs. I didn’t have time to think because in my mind J’Shawn was right behind me. I opened the front door, looked behind me and continued to head out the door. I wasn’t sure as to where I was going or where I wanted to go, so I ran and ran until I was out of breath, I couldn’t go back home. What would momma say or think, maybe J’Shawn was right. They wouldn’t believe my story over his, I just don’t know what to do, momma has been through so much and I didn’t have the heart to tell my aunty what a trifling dog her son was. I had to be at least 15 blocks from my house, finally I found my way to an abandoned house where I decided would be my shelter for the night. I climbed through a half way boarded window, “ouch! Got damn it! ” I cut my knee on the broken glass as I tried to pull my left leg through the window. I sat on a step in which seem to be in the hallway of the building. Tears started rolling down my eyes and I my heart started beating fast as if I was going into some sort of attack. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why didn’t I just do what I did last time, and let J’Shawn have his way. It would have been over and I could have been in my nice warm house and in my soft bed. What the fuck was I thinkin! What am I going to do, should I go back? What if he called momma and told her something that wasn’t true? All these thought went through my head, the thought of not being able to go back broke my heart in pieces for two reasons. One I didn’t want to break momma’s heat and make her think I was just running away because she wasn’t good to me, plus she already lost daddy I don’t want to add salt to an opened wound. I started getting a head ache just thinking about it all. “Hello! who’s there!?” I shouted. I heard something rattle and sound like something was moving. I hopped off the step and just stood in defense.” Little Bitch, who the fuck are you and why are you in my fuckin building!” I heard the voice say as it started getting closer, I swore I pissed my sweat pants a little. I… I… I’m Louise, ” Before I could finish the female figure appeared in front of me. She was a tall, dark woman with matted dreads and five layers of clothes on. She had the strong lingering odor of urine on her with a mixture of what seemed to be body musk, as if she tried to mask the smell. She had no shoes but had a tattered back pack on her back and was holding a cat. The cat looked like it had flees, rabies and was missing patches of hair. I got quiet and waited for her to speak. “Well speak, who sent you here?” She got closer to the point where I could actually recognize her face. I gasped and fell to my knees so hard that I didn’t even notice they were scrapped and bleeding. “Janise!” I cried out. She instantly reached down and pulled me up to my feet. We both began to cry as hard as humanly possible, noses running and we both sat and starred into each other’s eyes. All you could hear was are sobs, she hung her head. “Sister what has happened to you, how long have you been like this?” I asked in the most sincere slightly cracked caring voice I could muster up. She cleared her voice, picked her head up and sat up straight while starring me in the eyes. “Well Lo, it all started because I was hanging with this group of girls while I was in college. Everything was cool, I started smoking weed. All in all I was still maintaining a B average in all my classes. Pot turned into meth, meth into crack and then I was putting anything that would get me high into my body.” She hung her head. “But why Janise, I mean you were doing so well, why didn’t you just stop or came home once it got this bad?” I asked in pity. “Well, after dad died and I almost lost you, I went into a depression. Why do you think I always call mom once or twice a month from a pay phone, and I never offered you guy to come a visit me at the campus? April knows about my condition but I made her swore not to say a word because if she did I was going to tell momma about her two abortions. Man look I just couldn’t even fathom the thought of hurting momma any more than she already has been. A better question is what the hell are you doing here?” Her voice got stern. “I… Well… It’s a long story” I tried to stall. “We have nothing but time.” She became a little frustrated. So I explained to her how J’Shawn had been raping me and how I never had the guts to tell anyone about the situation. I hung my head in shame and began to weep. “I just want this to be a horrible nightmare.” She hugged me and joined me in sorrow. Felt as if we held each other and cried all night, I remember hearing rats scurry. I dozed off in my big sister’s arms. When I woke up later that morning I saw nothing but the sun shining through what was left of the dusty cracked windows and wooden boards. Nothing but emptiness, except me and the birds that came through whatever opening . “Janise? “ No one answered. I wondered where my sister could have went, and why did she leave without saying goodbye. Would I ever see her again? With all these questions on my mind, I remembered I had bigger problems. I didn’t know if I was going to return home or not, I didn’t want to hurt momma but I refused to live under the same roof as J’Shawn. Climbing out of the broken, half boarded window but much more careful I decided to head back home. Seemed a lot further then I remembered. I looked horrible, dirty face from crying, stank morning breath, my hair was everywhere and my clothes had rips and holes from me trying to get into the abandon house. I was about a block away, as I walked I was trying to figure out what would be my reason for leaving in the middle of the night and not being home when my mom and aunty got off work. I decided I was going to explain to my mom that I spent the night at a friend’s house. As I approached the door I realized I didn’t even have my house key. So I knocked three times and waited for an answer but nothing… I forgot today was the last day of school and the twins weren’t home, but surely momma was home. I heard the locks being undone and slowly the door opened, behind it was J’Shawn he looked as if he was hung-over. Eyes squinted and the same clothes on from the night before, he paused and starred for about two minutes. “What the fuck you looking at are you coming in or not?” He asked angrily as if he was annoyed to see me. I slowly Walked in to the house, and looked around for my mom or aunty. “Where is everyone?” He turned around “They took on a double shift.” He began to walk towards me. I started backing away from him. “Where are ya going, Lou? I didn’t tell ya mom how you was out creeping last night, matter of fact I told her you were sound asleep.” Why would you tell her I was creeping and we both know for a fact that I wasn’t!” I started feeling myself get angry and upset. He continued. “Well that’s what I should’ve told her, and then I’ll admit I lied just so you would get in trouble.” Sounds good don’t it? He grinned. I didn’t say anything, I just wanted to shower away all of this mental and physical filth. I simply did not reply and went upstairs quietly and began to think about what I was going to do for today. All I knew is that I wanted to get out of the house and away from him, I was a little nervous about taking a shower because now he was sober and I wouldn’t get as lucky this time trying to get away.

She is soo awesome, inspirational woman

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